My self esteem has plummeted, I think my friends don't really care about me most of the time, my love life is DOA, and my level of apathy has skyrocketed. Most of my feelings involve some kind of lust, for lack of a better word. Like not sex or anything of the sort, but more like I just want to be held. I want to feel safe in someones arms, trusting them with my heart. I've never depended on anyoneemotionally, because there wasn't any one to ever depend on.
Then there's my whole friends issue. I guess I feel distant from them. Like everytime I try opening up, I quickly withdraw. I don't realize myself doing it till after it's happened. It's all BS and I know they all care, but I feel like I'm BS, so I guess I assume that's how they see me. Maybe I'm right, but I don't think so.
You know what my problem is? I fucking analyze everything into oblivion. Is it normal to objectively look at everything like yourself is part of some psychological study? Like I actually try to explain why I do things, or other people do things in my mind. It sucks all the fun out of things. Why can't I just fucking feel something, and that's it? No reasoning it out or overlooking everything, I just feel and move on with it. But I guess I can't change who I am. I am the type of girl who takes 5 minutes to decide whether she is happy or not. I'm the type of girl who has delayed emotions because they take a while to warm up. I'm a simple girl: no conflict or messy situations. I'm pretty emotionally stable, but it's really easy to spear my self esteem with an innocent comment. My life is swell, so I don't like to complain. I guess I just don't want to be me for a while. Not forever, but a day or a week would be pretty awesome. Maybe I'll have some kind of epiphany, but until then I'll just continue to hate myself. Hates a strong word here, but I don't feel like thinking of a better one.
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